I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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