I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
