Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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