Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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