almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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