You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
