Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
