You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
drinking out of a sandbucket again
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
