Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
