My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
