I want to stick my p in your. b.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
