My Higher Power is John Stamos
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize