dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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