i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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