I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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