this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize