I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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