How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
