On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
