I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
