Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
