I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
