no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
