I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize