i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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