There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
