i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
