yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
