period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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