someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
