Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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