Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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