I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
