i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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