i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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