1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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