you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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