Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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