Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
