Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
