OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
