So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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