I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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