She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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