The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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