Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
