One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
