You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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