he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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