fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
