sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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