Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
