My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
