So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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