Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
