why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
