i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I smell stomach acid.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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