just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize