Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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