Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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