hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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